Are You Actually Ready for a Relationship?

People want relationships. We are wired for that. And having something like Wayward Hearts gives you the opportunity to create a profile that is more fulsome than anything a dating app would ask of you. Every question in the submission form -- whether you are joining as a free or paid member -- was designed by me, the matchmaker. There is a purpose behind every one of them. They give me the information I need to begin matching you, but they are also designed to make you think. About what you want. About what you are ready for. About where you actually are in this process right now.

Being honest when you fill out that form matters. And if we have a video chat, one of the first things I ask is for you to be as honest with me as possible. I am not going to judge you. I want to understand who you are, what is important to you, and what you need in a match.

When the process stirs something up

Sometimes, during our video chat or shortly after, you might experience anxiety. Or emotions you didn’t expect. What is happening is this: you have wanted a relationship for so long that now, seeing it become possible, something in you starts to panic. That anxiety can come from many places. Maybe you are not as over your past relationship as you thought. Maybe a voice inside you is already listing the reasons someone will not choose you or stick with you. Maybe your insecurities go into overdrive the moment the possibility became real.

Whatever the source, if I am reaching out to begin the matchmaking process, you need to be honest -- with yourself and with me. This process is an investment of time. Yours. Mine. And the person I am going to match you with. All three of us deserve respect. And if you are overwhelmed by anxiety and insecurity, all you have to do is tell me. I can pause your membership, paid or free. I want and need to know. Because whether you are a paid member or sitting in the free Date-a-Base, I am reaching into that database regularly for introductions. I could not do half the matches I do without vetting free members. So I need to know whether it is worth investing time and resources in keeping you at the top of my matching list.

Trust goes three ways

I know that trusting me is hard. I am asking you to be vulnerable with someone you do not know, in a process you are not familiar with. That takes time and it takes courage. But it is necessary. If you do not trust this process and you do not trust me, we are not going to be able to collaborate to find you a genuinely wonderful match. It really is that simple.

You also need to trust that when I match you with someone, I am looking at the whole of who you are and the whole of who they are. The words in a match document are just a small portion of that person. Trust that I am matching you because I see something real there. I do not do matches for the sake of filling a gap. I take this seriously. And the person I am introducing you to is a human being just like you.

So I want you to imagine something. You have gone through this whole process. You are eager. You are nervous in the way that is normal and natural. We have found a date and time that works. The match documents have gone out. And then the person you were set to meet bails. Just like that.

How would that make you feel?

The point of no return

Before every introductory date, I ask you to reread the Code of Conduct and send me confirmation that you have read it, understood it, and agree to abide by it. There is a reason I do this every single time. It is not bureaucracy. It is me ensuring that I can trust you to show up with kindness and respect. And it is you making that commitment, in writing, before you walk through the door.

When you agree to the Code of Conduct and then pull out of a confirmed date within twenty-four hours, you have not just inconvenienced me. You have broken a commitment to another person who was ready to meet you. And you have lost my trust.

That trust will not disappear forever, but you are going to have to show me, and work with me, to earn it back. Because think about what I am being asked to do. How do I trust someone's heart to a person who has just shown me they do not take their commitments seriously?

Matchmaking only works when everyone in the room, you, me, and the person I am introducing you to decides to show up. Really show up. Not just in body. In honesty, in readiness, and in respect for what this process is trying to do for all of you.

That is all I ask. But it is everything. I need you to be actually ready to show up. It is the only way this works.